“Annie,
you sound, and act white” my friends would jokingly say. I never did take
offence to these comments. But in a way, do they force me to question my
identity? Was my life a false reality? That a good wholesome family was a
Caucasian stereotype? In other words, I
never did see the significance of my family being together, and my family
dinners; until, it was no longer my reality. Striving for what seems to be a
perfect life. We may look at this family and analyze this 30 minute to an hour
sitting, and say; now this is a family! But, could something as small but as
valuable as a family dinner cultivate us to assume automatic happiness or
closeness?
Family,
as I say this word, you may quickly think of your own. With no hesitation,
already confirming the idea or thought of what a family is. But what is a
family? Or better yet, what makes a good one? When I think of some words that
adequately describes the characteristics of a happy and loving family, certain
words comes to mind, such as: stability, comfortability, acceptance, without
fear of judgment. When briefly checking the dictionary meaning, it states:
family: a group consisting of parents and children living together in a
household. Now you may say, “Well… duh!” But sometimes I wonder, can we all
relate to this? Or is this just an old-fashioned idea trying to mix with our
modern day society? Is something there, deeper than this narrow definition of a
word that is so massively important? Furthermore, where does it fit with our
idea of the American dream and ideal family? Does it exist?
Every
time I would bring up these issues to my teen mentees, the topic of self-esteem
and identity arose. What correlation could they have towards one another? And
is it a direct one? Believing that having dinner conversations leads to higher
self-esteem. Having someone that cares, that will be there to listen. I just
can’t seem to think that that’s the same result for everyone. Does the ideal
family life or American Dream go far beyond the nice big house, and white
picket fence, hard working parents that eat every dinner together with their
children? Sometimes I ask myself, is there a deeper reason to why we strive for
it, beyond the longing for normality? Even as a child, coming from Dominican,
and Haitian parents, I could tell that the idea they were fed from back home as
they’d like to say, is what motivates them to reach for this goal of that
“perfect family.” Growing up in a big house, with a white picket fence, pool and
playground in the background, grill on our patio; it meant something to achieve
this. Too many, I seemed to have that ideal family, and I must admit, Iagree, I
really did. But as I got older, I always heard remarks that weren’t insulting,
not the least bit. But it did make me question why there were so few how looked
like me, lived like me, who lived near me in my suburban neighborhood. Why was
this?
So
much of life, and how we feel it should look like, stems from the world of
media: television, computers, magazines,
and etc. Now, if you’re like me and have ever watched a soap opera or dramatic
show of any kind, you know that there is always more to the story than what is
brought to the surface. After the fake smiles, forced conversations, empty and
meaningless moments of laughter: it is simply enjoyed for that moment alone, if
you could call it that. As reality strikes, we see the mom and dad’s resentment
for each other refilling their eyes. The children, loosing themselves in their
music, feeling alone, with no one who truly cares; they see behind the lies,
and are left to deal with life on their own, but how could this be? They talk
at dinner, they laugh, and they seem to be happy… Curious, I ask myself, how
about the angry teenage boy, who combats the situations of life? Who is forced
to find something to eat, sitting in front of the TV, alone, because again,his
mom had to work late? The feeling of loneliness strikes within their veins. How
could these two, with completely different family dynamics, different
situations: whether financially or ethnically, have the same outlooks on life?
“Hey
mom!”
“Mom,
what’s for dinner?” the kids eagerly asked, as they ran into the kitchen. “Your
favorites” she responded. While adding “I need to you guys to go and get
started on your homework for me.”
The kids go do their
homework. Soon after, the dad comes through the door loosening his dull
over-tight tie; Kisses mom on the forehead, asking her briefly about her day
and the kids. Mom yells, “Samantha! Can you come down and set the table for me
please? It’s you turn remember?”
“Oh
yea, I’m coming!”
“And bring your brothers down too; don’t
forget to wash your hands!” Thereafter, they sit at the table, hold hands to
pray, laugh, talk about their day, and that funny incident that happened at
school. However, although most of us may wish we could relate to this picture
perfect family, in some ways or all, it is a reality that some of us have never
seen, and will never have a tight grip on. So what if our family does not
resemble any or even a few of these charming characteristics? Is there any
shift in our mind? Causing us to take a second glance, analyzing our families,
bringing forth envy or resentment of any kind? Still pondering, I remain
voiceless to my consuming thoughts.
“Ok
Cassie, Why doesn’t it exist?”
“Because,
it’s TV, it’s not real; people don’t act like that for real” Just one answer I
got from my mentee, in my teen program. Now I was a bit taking back by this,
but not surprised. This is the reality we live in today. More and more
kids/teens are devaluing the importance of family, or believing that not
communicating, and not being together IS the norm.
“Then
what does it look like?”
“Um…
well, everybody gets food; they can choose to sit at the table if they want, or
wherever.”
“So
how about when you are all at the table? There’s no talking?”
“No,
not really… You just eat.” She responds in a shy laugh. But when asked if this
“TV family” is a representation of how a family should look like, she agreed.
Admitting that she wished hers looked even a little like that. At that time,
the idea of stability came to mind; an approach that we long to have, maybe
even more going into our adult years. Idealistically, hoping to achieve this in
every area of our lives: at work, in relationships/friendships, our government,
and our society in general. Therefore, brings me to question if our family
dynamic as a child/teen could have unseen long-term affects? How much impact
does this simple word have on our lives? And this dream that America sold us,
the dream we consumed, generation after generation, can it truly go beyond a TV
screen to a modern day family?
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